Easing school transitions

Q: Our daughter’s parochial school has closed! necessitating a huge change in school venues for her, something we’d not prepped her for.  We are thinking public school, so as to make local friends (next parochial schools to consider 45 minutes away).  Any advice you can offer about helping her make this transition is welcome.  She and I are visiting the school Thurs and checking out their summer “school” options.  *sigh* I’m so sad about our beloved little school closing.

A: So sad for your daughter that the school is closing! What will help your daughter sort of depends on what you see as her usual coping style. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things already, by bringing her to her new school to help her know what to expect. Helping her be sad and stay connected to the old school is good (maybe make some art project to commemorate her time there, maybe have a reunion club?) and then helping her feel confident about starting at a new school and making friends (which you can remind her she’s done before, when she first started school; you can also tell a story about someone she knows, or else a about someone who’s her age, who went through something similar, e.g. “When I first started this new job, I was kind of nervous about what my boss would be like and whether I would make any friends, and even what it would be like! But here’s what I did…” or “I remember when a new kid joined my class when I was in 5th grade, and here’s what he did to make new friends that really worked…”). Say goodbye to the old, get prepared for the new, and let her know that you have confidence in her, and she’ll do fine!

Quick Answers to Quick Questions: Drugs

Q: Is it possible that my 11-year-old son could be using drugs?

A: A succinct question deserves a succinct answer: Yes.

For  a little more detail: it’s actually a high-risk age range. In that time right before  they enter high school, it seems like parents and teachers are imagining that the kids are too young to get involved with drugs. I have seen kids who are already dealing by the time they start high school. It makes sense to be paying attention and open to the possibility. As they say, start talking with your kids about drugs early and often. Meanwhile, talk to your school social worker, who might have the inside scoop on the crowd your child hangs out with. Try not to freak out at your child, which could be alienating and damage your credibility.

Q: I think my teen daughter is using drugs. What should I do?

A: Get her help. If she’s using, it’s because she’s unhappy, doesn’t have coping mechanisms, or is in with the wrong crowd. If she’s not, there’s something going on with her that’s making you think she’s using. If you offer her a chance to hang out and talk about herself with a sympathetic listener for a while, would she turn you down? You don’t have to say it’s about drug use, if you are worried about approaching the topic with her. Make sure she knows that it will be private, and you won’t try to pry, because teens need their space. Make sure you get a referral to a good therapist.

Does my child’s therapy mean I’m a failure?

Q: My son was having trouble, so I’m thinking about getting him into therapy, but I don’t know if I can do it. Partly I’m embarrassed about what my son might say about me, partly I’m worried the therapist will blame me, and partly I feel like I can’t trust someone to have a relationship with my son that is private from me. What should I do?

A: Before answering your question: you obviously care very deeply for your son, and are doing your best to help him have the best possible life. It is great that you are trying to figure out how to do that. It seems like your question has multiple parts, so let’s try to answer it in multiple parts:

1) You’re worried what your son might say about you. In response to this, I can assure you that therapists hear all kinds of stuff, and it is unlikely that anything you do is beyond what the therapist has heard before. More importantly, if the therapist is any good, he or she will not judge you based on what your child says in treatment: partly because children are not always accurate reporters, and the therapist should know that, and partly because the therapist should be non-judgmental in general. Caveat: If you are actually abusing or neglecting your child, then your child’s therapist will have to report it; still, the therapist shouldn’t be judging you.

2) You’re worried the therapist will blame you. Again, therapists are not in the blame business. If you feel your child’s therapist is judgmental, then perhaps the therapist is not a good fit for you. Caveat: If you are sensitive, you might feel the therapist is being judgmental even when he or she is simply noticing something (e.g. “You and your son seem to have difficulty communicating”). In that case, you might do well to consult with a therapist yourself, partly to help you with your sensitivity and partly to help you figure out if your child’s therapist is the right fit.

3) You’re worried about trusting the therapist. This is a difficult issue. You need to negotiate with your child’s therapist to find the right balance between being informed and respecting the privacy of your child’s treatment. It helps if you find a therapist based on a referral from someone you trust. As with number (2) above, though, if you have a really hard time with it, you might want to get some independent consultation to help you think things through.

4) What should you do? You obviously have a sense that your child could benefit from therapy. Actually, everyone could, but your instinct is telling you your son really needs it. Trust that instinct. Get a referral from someone you trust, and get your son into therapy. If nothing else, your trying to get him help is a concrete demonstration to him that you care about him and will do whatever he needs.

Baby gear: Potties

Q: I’m thinking about starting potty training with my son. Any suggestions on what kind of potty would make things easier?

A: Ah, potty training. The thing that will make potty training easier is if you are completely relaxed. However, here are some thoughts about potties.

1. Clean up. You will have to clean up the potty. Look for one that is easy to clean, meaning with as few pieces and as few seams, ridges, or anything else that will accumulate grime, as possible. The Babybjorn little potty, for example, has only one piece, and it is all smooth plastic. It is small, though, not for the bigger toddler.

2. Fun. Your child should want to sit on the potty. I don’t particularly recommend you get a potty that makes music (I prioritize #1, above, so fewer pieces is better), but you might try to get a potty in your child’s favorite color, for example.

3. Space. How big is your bathroom? You might prefer to just get an insert for your toilet. If you are going to go this route, make sure you also have a stool, both for getting up onto the potty and for resting one’s feet while doing one’s business. It is not comfortable to poop when your legs are dangling. You might consider a combo stool/seat, like this one.

4. Your child’s needs. We can get so excited about potty training that we buy lots of fun gear, but some kids prefer to do it just like mom and dad, and aren’t interested in all those other trappings. For those kids, sometimes straddling the seat and facing toward the back of the toilet results in a more stable position and better aim. They might have to lean forward, too. Anyway, you should base your decisions in part on what your child prefers. Some kids are scared of the big toilet, and want their own small potty; some kids are afraid they will fall in, and are happy with a seat but don’t want their own potty. Let your child help you decide.

There’s other gear associated with potty training too, of course: books (mine liked the Once Upon A Potty book, which also comes with other accoutrements, but we did not get any of that other stuff); travel potties (we had one but never used it); absorbent undies; sticker charts for rewards; and so forth. Go with the least amount of stuff you need. Learning to use the potty is as natural as learning to walk, and you don’t really need lots of equipment for it. Simpler is better (parenting is complex enough!).

My daughter has borderline personality disorder

Q: I’ve read about borderline personality disorder online, and I think the description perfectly fits my 16-year-old daughter, but she thinks she’s fine. How can I get her some help?

A: The question of how to get help for your child when she thinks she’s fine is an important one, and I will address that in a minute. But first, about borderline personality disorder (BPD), here’s the most important thing: it is impossible for your daughter to have borderline personality disorder, because personality disorders cannot be diagnosed before 18 years of age. Why? Because teenagers’ personalities are all over the place. Adolescence is a time when people are supposed to be experimenting with different kinds of identities; this is how people develop their adult selves. You should not assume that any of the traits you see in your teenager will crystallize into permanent traits. There is some research supporting the idea that aspects of personality (i.e. the Big Five) start to be established in the 12-16 age range, but even those change over the life span. Regardless, it is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD that the person must be at least 18 years old.

Another important thing to know about borderline personality disorder is that, according to people like Marsha Linehan (the person behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is a strongly supported treatment for BPD), one of the key components of borderline personality disorder is the experience of people invalidating one’s emotions. For example, the person feels upset, and her family says, “You shouldn’t be upset. You’re being ridiculous.” If you think your daughter might be moving in the direction of BPD, you should consider getting consultation to try to create an environment for her that will not contribute to the development of BPD.

That said, it sounds like you’re worried about your daughter, and so it doesn’t really matter whether she’s diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or something else. You want her to get help. Start by offering her the opportunity. You have to do it in a way that is open and respectful, and you may have to offer more than once. For example, you might say something like, “I’ve noticed that you have a lot on your mind lately. I wonder if you’d want to go talk to someone about it.” Here, remember that “maybe” or “whatever” or blank stares qualify as “yes” in adolescent-speak. So she might say, “I don’t know.” You respond, “OK, great, how would an appointment after school one day next week be?” Her: “Whatever.” You: “Great! I’ll let you know when I’ve made the appointment.”

On the other hand, if she says, “No way, therapists are for crazy people,” you can respond, “Well, I’ll let you think about it, and I’ll ask you again later. You could always go once just to see how it would be and then decide whether you wanted to keep going.” Then you have to follow up and ask again a few days later.

If she still says no, then you can get her help indirectly, through you. You should go see the therapist, and get consultation on how you can help your daughter and possibly move her toward being more open to seeing a therapist herself.

Fighting with Mom

Q: I live several states away from my family. On purpose. My mother is constantly nagging me about coming to visit. And of course she never comes to visit me. When I do finally go to visit, the minute I arrive she finds countless little things to criticize me about, we end up having a big fight, and I leave thinking I’ll never go back. How can I make her happy without making me go crazy?

A: Take heart; the big fights are further evidence of how much your mother loves you and how happy she is that you have come to visit. Whenever you come back to someone who cares about you, it is very common to have a big fight. Likewise, it is common to have a fight right before you part. So you might expect to have a big fight right when you first get to your mom’s house, and another one before you leave.

Why does this happen? The fight right before you leave is a little bit simpler to understand: she is mad that that you are leaving, and on some level she might feel like if she fights with you right before you leave, she’ll miss you less when you are gone. The fight right when you arrive is a bit more complicated, but one way to think about it is that your mom is mad at you for being gone, and picking on you is the best way she can think of to tell you about it.

There are a few ways to deal with this, and you can try different approaches to see what works best. One approach is to try directly addressing the situation with your mom. Before you visit, you could say something like, “You know, when I come to visit, it seems like we always get in a fight right away. I wonder if it’s just because we’ve missed each other so much. Let’s see if we can get back together without fighting.” Notice that you’re not placing any blame. Then when you do visit, if things start getting ugly, you can say, “Geez, there we go, fighting again.” Maybe you both will notice it more as a pattern, and be able to change it just by noticing it.

Another approach is to address the underlying reason for her being upset. For example, your mother says something like, “Is that how you’re wearing your hair now? You look like a homeless person.” You can say, “Oh, Mom, I do miss how much you worry about me.” Or simply, “I love you, Mom.” Here the point is that you are helping her remember that even though you were gone, you are with her now, and you are happy about it (and she should be too!).

If nothing else works, you can also just let things happen the way they happen, but to let yourself step back just a little bit, knowing that your mother is only mad because she has missed you so much. You might be able to feel better about it and enjoy your visit more, even if nothing changes.

What about the dad?

Q: As the father of a 3-year-old son, I often feel like a third wheel, a second-class citizen, or a first grade loser. My son prefers mom, and will even say things like, “Go away, Daddy,” or “I don’t love you, Daddy.” I’d like to take it all in stride, since he is only 3, but it’s hard not to take it personally sometimes. Is this normal? What should I be doing?

A: First of all, sorry that you have to be in the position of being the unpopular parent. Simply put, it sucks. Unfortunately, it is quite normal for one parent to become the unpopular parent, especially if it is the parent of the opposite gender. Your son is at an age where he is figuring out relationships, and he’s figured out that when you’re around, mom pays attention to you instead of him. In a way it’s pretty cool that he’s starting to understand more complicated relationships, but it does leave you out in the cold.

So what can you do about it? Not much beyond waiting it out, unfortunately. You should remember that it’s nothing personal, and you should try to be as cool about it as possible. Try to let him know you’ve heard what he said, and try act like you’re on his side rather than argue with him about it. For example, you can say, “You don’t want me around. You probably want Mom all to yourself, huh? Yeah, she’s fun.” Or, when he says he doesn’t love you, “Maybe you’re mad that I’m interrupting. That’s OK. I love you even when you’re mad at me.” It might not be totally satisfying for you, but the point is to diffuse the tension.

A few added notes: some dads can be #1 in their kids eyes, but often mom remains #1 for at least the first couple of years. Sorry, Dad. When you take good care of mom, though, you accomplish a lot for your kids: you keep their mom sane, which helps her take better care of the kids; you model for them what love looks like, so they know how to be caring toward others; and you show them that you are an important part of the family that they can depend on. So put all of your focus on caring for the mom; even if that’s all you can do, it’s a vital job. Also, if your child pushees you away and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you even when mom is completely unavailable (e.g. out at work), it might be worth getting some personalized recommendations from a professional.

Bored Mom

Q: I am a stay-at-home mom of a six-month-old baby, and I am just burnt out. I love my daughter, and parenting is a real joy, but sometimes it’s really boring. Somehow I’m busy all the time but also bored a lot of the time. What am I doing wrong?

A: It’s funny, I remember my experience as a new mom, when people would say, “Enjoy it, it goes by so quickly, before you know it she’ll be (driving, graduating from high school, having her own kids, etc.),” I would think, “Maybe time goes by quickly later, but it is going by so slowly now!” Frankly, it can get boring. Days go by slowly, but weeks go by quickly, and I’m sure there are already things your daughter has grown out of doing. Still, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being bored. Babies need and enjoy lots of repetition as they gradually learn about the world; this gets boring for those of us who are already living here. But perhaps a quick attempt to imagine what it would be like to be a baby might help keep it interesting for you.

Imagine that you are going along your usual daily routine, when suddenly you are whisked away through some very uncomfortable process to a place where the lights are brighter, the sounds are louder, and even gravity seems to work differently. You need to learn: to breathe, to see, to hear, to work each separate muscle, to coordinate those muscles, to eat, to smile, to burp, to make noise, and that’s just the beginning. There is nothing about the world that you already know: how do things move? what does soft look like? what are each of those noises? what is this hunger feeling, and what can I do about it? and so on, and so on.

Your baby learns an amazing amount during the first years, and it is all based on the brain’s ability to see patterns. Because everything is new, repetition is exciting, funny, thrilling. Being able to predict what will happen next is something we take for granted as adults. Every time she’s hungry, she wonders, “when will this discomfort ever end?” The most important thing she is learning in the first year is that she can predict that you will take care of her when she needs  it. And her secure ability to predict takes some time; hence the repetition, hence your boredom. Just remember that the human brain reaches 85% of its adult size by 3 years of age, so you’re laying some valuable groundwork. Take a deep breath, allow yourself to be bored without feeling bad, and dive back in.

Extra pointers:

Wear your baby in a sling and do other things, you don’t always have to be actively playing with your baby. She’ll learn a lot by moving through the world with you.

Take at least some time to yourself every day to read a magazine, go for a walk, surf the web for interesting blogs…

Find other moms. This is vital. Connecting with other parents will make things more interesting (playgroups for young babies are more about parents’ sanity, since young babies don’t really play much together), as well as help you maintain touch with reality (oh, it’s normal to be worrying about this, all babies do that, etc.). You might try looking for a parents’ group in your area through Meetup.com, or look for a local La Leche League group, or try your church/temple/mosque if you are affiliated with one, or your local community center. You can also find other parents by joining a class for babies, like a parent-child swim class, yoga class, music class, and so forth. Try your local YMCA.

Avoiding sibling jealousy

Q: I have three children, ages 8, 10, and 12. My middle child has been having difficulty with some friends lately. How can I give her an extra boost without making my other kids jealous?

A: It is important to be able to distinguish fair treatment from same treatment. You should not try to treat all of your children the same; not only is it impossible, and not only will it lead to arguments about whether each person is really getting the same as everyone else, but it is not even what anyone wants. We all want to be treated uniquely according to who we are, rather than be treated as interchangeable and the same as others.

That said, it can be hard to give to one child without the others feeling unhappy, especially when it’s a gift of your time and caring. The key is to give time and caring to each child, while making it clear that the point is to give the time and caring that each child needs.

Do what you feel is necessary to help your middle child. When one of your other children starts acting out in ways that seem to be based in jealousy (trying to sabotage your time with your middle child, or saying outright, “Hey, why does are you talking to her so much?!”), you can say something like, “Joanie is unhappy, and we are trying to figure out how she can make things better. This is very important to her. When we’re done, I want to know what’s important to you.”

Dealing with mean friends

Q: My friend has a daughter who is six years old; mine is five. They play together, but I think the daughter is just mean. She says things that seem insulting, and even worse, my daughter just accepts it. It makes me so mad, I’ve stepped in a couple of times. Should I stop letting my daughter play with this other girl? Should I say something to my friend?

A: This is a difficult situation, because there are many considerations. It sounds like you want at least five things: First, you want your friend’s daughter to be nicer. Second, you want your daughter to be more assertive. Third, you want your friend to do something with her daughter, or at least be aware of the situation. Fourth, you want to maintain your friendship with the mother. And finally, you would like your daughter and your friend’s daughter to be friends as well. Also, there are many unknown factors here: What does your friend think about the situation? Has the daughter always been that way, or is it a change in behavior?

Before you intervene, one thing to think about is what might be going on with this girl. What kind of mean things is she saying? Kids who say mean things are often kids who have had mean things said to them. That doesn’t make it okay, but it might help to try to understand why she is being mean. It might also change how you react. After all those questions to think about, here are three strategies to consider:

First, you can help your daughter ahead of time or afterwards, and get a sense of her perspective. Children her age can be quite insightful on social relations. You can say something like “Sometimes Sandra (or whatever her name is) says things that seem kind of mean,” and give your daughter a chance to respond. You can prompt further discussion by asking questions like, “I wonder why she does that,” and “Does that ever bother you?” It’s also a good idea to help her develop her own way to respond. If she says it bothers her, you can say something like, “What could you do when she does that?” You can be prepared with some of your own strategies, in case she is stuck: “When people are mean to me, I say, ‘that wasn’t very nice’ and I walk away.”

Second, you can intervene when it happens, if it happens in front of you. You should keep it simple and nonjudgmental: “In our house (our car, when I’m in charge) we don’t call people names (tease people, laugh at people).” Depending on what Sandra said, you might be able to either help her say it differently, or deal with the underlying emotion. “Instead of ‘that’s a stupid game,’ try to be more specific, like ‘I don’t like that game, can we play this one instead?’” Or, when Sandra says, “You’re stupid,” you can say, “Sounds like you’re mad. But in this house we don’t call people names. Can you tell Mira what you’re mad about?”

Third, you can speak with Sandra’s mom, but it should come from a place of concern and with the idea that you and she are on the same side. You can say, “It seems like Sandra has been a bit off lately, is it just me?” You might find out that there is something going on, or that the mom has also been worried. Or, if you think your friend will not be responsive to that approach, try making it about your daughter: “I’m trying to help Mira be more assertive with other kids. Do you have any suggestions?”